


dust off your highest hopes

by starbuckyy



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Autistic Character, Genderfluid Character, Other, Soulmates, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:31:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1384276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbuckyy/pseuds/starbuckyy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which elder mckinley is autistic and genderfluid, and entirely different from what elder price was expecting his soulmate to be like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kevin's Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> yo!  
> as y'all should know by now, im lousy at writing multi chapter fics bc i never finish them, but this time i have six chapters already written so hopefully we'll get further.  
> this story has transphobia, homophobia, ableism, internalised transphobia, homophobia, and ableism, brief mentions of suicidal thoughts, emotionally abusive parents, homelessness, autistic meltdowns, severe nonverbal episodes, dysphoria, and extreme anxiety. please be cautious if any of these things can be triggering to you.  
> i am both autistic and transgender, so i feel qualified to write this fanfiction. if i make any mistakes, however, please feel free to call me out.  
> (title came from the song everything has changed by taylor swift)

When Kevin Price was three, he asked his mother what the curly name on his left collarbone meant. She smiled at him, and told him that one day he would meet the person who completed him, and that she would be perfect for him in every way.

Kevin had frowned at that.

"Aren't I already complete, mommy? I don't feel not complete."

His mother had smiled again, subconsciously rubbing her right forearm.

"You'll understand what I mean one day, my dear."

\--

When he was fourteen, he sat with a group of his friends comparing their soulmarks.

"I wonder where she is right now," Will said, rolling his trouser leg down to cover the "Crystal Barnes" that was printed on his knee.

"She could be wondering the exact same thing about you at this very moment," Kevin pointed out, grinning.

"Ah, can you imagine! I can't wait to meet her! I bet she's gonna be really pretty, and she won't mind watching all my favourite movies with me, and she-"

"Yeah, will she be good at making sandwiches, thats the only important question," Daniel interrupted. Kevin, Will, and Rory all threw their math textbooks at him, causing him to yelp in pain.

"Don't be such an arse, Dan," Kevin scolded.

Seeing that Dan was getting ready to argue, Rory cut in quickly.

"What about you though, Kev? What's her name?"

"Caley Mckinley," he grinned, and pulled back the collar of his shirt so they could all see the name written there.

"Is that I dotted with a star?"

"Yup! Isn't that cool? I can't wait until I meet her, she's gonna be so amazing!

 

 


	2. Connor's Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a chapter with transphobia, lots of ableism, homelessness, emotionally abusive parents, ableist slurs, mentions of suicidal thoughts, dysphoria, misgendering, internalised ableism (and transphobia), and a slight nonverbal breakdown. please proceed with caution.  
> note about this fic (esp this chapter): as elder mckinley is genderfluid, their pronouns change, so the pronouns i use when talking about them change as well.  
> also im going on holiday in about two hours and wont be back for two weeks. i dont know if i'll have access to a computer so i may not be able to update this until i get home. sorry.

When Caley was four, his preschool teacher gave him a sheet to fill in. There was a large bubble in which he was meant to draw what he wanted to be when he was older. Half an hour later, his teacher stopped beside his desk, and frowned.

"What've you drawn there, Caley?"

"What I want to be when I grow up!"

His teacher frowned again. All that was drawn on the paper was a stick figure.

"And what's that?" she asked, perplexed.

"A boy!" he had piped excitedly.

The next few weeks had been filled with much shouting from his father, many tears from his mother, and even a trip to the doctor. Caley couldn't understand what the problem was.

\--

A month or two later, Caley’s mother asked her if she still wanted to be a boy when she grew up. Much to her mother's relief, she shook her head.

\--

When Caley was twelve, they found the definition of transgender on the internet. They felt a connection with the word immediately, but none of the stories they found fitted with how they felt. They didn't feel like a boy. They never had, really. They had just never felt like a girl either.

But when they came across the definition of genderfluid, everything clicked into place.

\--

When he was fourteen, he was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. When the results of the exam came back, he hadn’t spoken in five weeks, and was curled on his side in his bed, trying to ignore the way his hair was too long, his chest too large, his hands too feminine, how he was _too female_.

He was going through another masculine phase, and those were always brutal for him. His mom knocked on his door, and entered, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Caley, dear, we've had a letter from the psychologist you saw a few months ago. Doctor Whitlock, remember?" she paused, as if expecting him to speak. When he didn't, she sighed and continued. "The results for autism came back positive. You have ASD. There's a few pages here on what that means, and-- I'll leave them here for you to read."

She left the room.

Caley shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out the shouting that began not five minutes later.

_she's a freak she daughter retarded she's mute she freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freak freak-_

The words spun around in his head, and no matter how hard he clamped his hands over his ears, or how loudly he screamed, it wouldn't leave.

\--

When xe was fifteen xe was kicked out of xir home.

Xe was trying out the name Cade, and had made the mistake of telling xir parents that. As well as everything else xe had been feeling in regards to gender since the age of three.

It was because the dysphoria was getting so bad. Xe would often feel suicidal during xir period, and the fact that xe couldn't even cut xir hair was making xem cry whenever xe saw xir reflection.

Cade didn't talk most days, and when xe did it was often with a stutter, something xir dad often commented on.

Xe spent forty minutes struggling to find the right words to explain to xir parents that xe wasn’t as female as they thought.

When xe was done, xir father simply took out a stopwatch, clicked it, and said in a clear, calm voice, "You have half an hour to pack what you want. I want you out of this house." And that was that.

Cade grabbed xir iPod, xir sleeping bag, and some clothes. Xe packed all xe could fit into one bag, grabbed Charlie, xir stuffed rabbit xe hadn't been able to sleep without since xe was three, and left xir bedroom for what would be the last time. On the way through the hallway, xe passed xir mom, who had been crying. She kissed xir cheek, and pressed a bag into xir hands.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I love you."

Cade just nodded, unable to say a word, smiled tightly, and left.

When xe finally collapsed underneath a bridge in the centre of town, xe was exhausted. Xir's hands were shaking so badly xe found it difficult to open the drawstrings of the bag xir mom had handed xem.

When xe finally managed to open it, xe found food. Xe hadn't even thought about food yet. Or anything, really. Xe had been acting on autopilot since xir dad had taken out the stopwatch.

Also in the bag was $200, which was. Nice. That was a nice thing. Xe thought.

\--

Three months later, his money was running out, and he was starting to worry. He'd moved cities, catching a bus as far as he could while spending as little money as he could, and had found several places to sleep.

He had taken to busking, singing a cappella on busy corners to try and earn money.  Other than his singing, he'd barely spoken a word in a quarter of a year. He was beginning to get desperate. He wasn't sure what for yet, but he knew he couldn't go on living like this.

That evening, he found himself outside a church. He had gone to church every sunday when he lived at home.

Something warm spread through him as he read the "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints" sign, and he pushed the door open. His whole family was mormon, and despite the fact he no longer was in contact with any of them, he still felt a connection to the faith. 

He sat down on the front row, and thought. He didn't know how long he thought for, but when a small cough interrupted him, the moon had risen.

"Ma'am? Can I help you?" the elder of the church was standing there, smiling at him. He flinched slightly at the feminine term, but answered anyway.

"I don't know," he said truthfully.

"What's troubling you?" the elder asked, sitting down next to him on the pew. Cade laughed bitterly.

"What _isn't_ troubling me?"

"Well, is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, actually. Do you by any chance have a free bible I could have? And a Book of Mormon as well? I didn't have time to grab one on the way out of home."

The elder looked slightly perplexed at that, but nodded anyway. "Sure! I'll go and fetch them now! My name is Elder Thomas, by the way."

"I'm Cade," he mumbled in reply.

To Elder Thomas' credit, he didn't react too much.

"Alright, Cade, I'll go and get those books for you."

When he came back a few minutes later, he handed Cade two leather bound books, which he took gratefully.

"Thank you, Elder," he said.

"You're welcome. It's getting late though, shouldn't you be getting home? Your parents will be worried."

Cade laughed bitterly. "My parents don't even know I’m in this city."

When Elder Thomas didn't reply, Cade looked up. A look of shock was written on the older man's face as he frowned.

"We really should call them to let them know you're safe-"

"They don't care."

Elder Thomas’ frown deepened at that. "Of course they care! They're your parents!"

"They really don't. They kicked me out. Three months ago."

"Oh my gosh! That's terrible! You must be hungry! Come with me, I'll get you some food." He got up from the pew and led Cade through to a small kitchen off the side of the church. He retrieved a pot and a box of pasta from the cupboards and started to cook.

"Tell me everything," he said to Cade.

And Cade did. He told Elder Thomas about how he felt like he was constantly shifting genders, and how the dysphoria made him want to scratch his eyes out sometimes, and how his diagnosis of autism had left him feeling like more of a freak than before.

Elder Thomas was a good listener, Cade decided. He didn't interrupt him at all, even after he had finished cooking.

Cade spoke through eating, forgetting his manners. Elder Thomas didn't mind--or if he did, he didn't comment.

When he'd finished his tale, there was a moment of silence, until Elder Thomas spoke.

"When was the last time you had a hot meal, Cade?"

"Three months ago."

"Christ."

Cade frowned. "Aren't you not allowed to say that?"

"I'm sure the Lord will excuse me in these circumstances." Elder Thomas dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Listen, Cade. Do you want to come home with me until we can find you somewhere to stay? We have a couch you can sleep on, and I have a fifteen year old son whose clothes you could borrow--"

But Cade was shaking his head. "No. No, I can't, I'm sorry. I just--I just can't."

"Why not?" Elder Thomas frowned.

"I.... don't know. I just can't."

"Okay, okay, that's fine, there's no need to get anxious. Take a deep breath--yes, theres a good boy. Well, can you come here tomorrow around lunchtime? I want to help you in any way I can, Cade."

\--

The next day, Elder Thomas took Cade for a haircut.

“No, I can’t accept this,”  Cade said, as he and Elder Thomas came to a stop outside the parlour.

“Think of it as a gift from God; having long hair makes you unhappy, and God wants you to be happy.”

Cade scuffed his feet unhappily, looking downwards. “How do you know? I mean, what if this is a sin?”

Elder Thomas’ eyes softened, and he put a comforting hand on Cade’s shoulder. “We’ll worry about that later. C’mon.”

Twenty minutes later, Cade left the building feeling more like himself than he had done in years.

\--

Elder Thomas also had found him a shelter for homeless youths, that provided him with a bed to sleep in and hot meals every day.  

He still visited the church, and had begun attending Sunday mass. Slowly, but surely, things were getting better.

\--

"Elder Thomas? Can I have a word?"

It was 5pm on a Thursday, three weeks later, and the church was empty apart from them. Cade's hands were shaking as the elder in front of em nodded.

"Of course!" he said, sitting down on a pew and gesturing next to him for Cade to join him. "What's up?"

Cade opened eir mouth but no sound came out. Ey struggled for several minutes to spit out more than one syllable, before Elder Thomas interrupted em.

"How about we talk about something else first? Do you like singing?"

Cade nodded eir head aggressively. "Y- y- yeah!"

"We have a choir here! It's on every wednesday for an hour or so. My son's in it! You should come along next week, it's lots of fun!"

"I- I- I'd- I'd like that.”

"I warn you now though, my son's a bit weird. He really loves poptarts. Like, _really_. I'm pretty sure he'd eat poptarts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if we let him." Elder Thomas' voice was fond, and Cade couldn't help but feel slightly wistful at the life ey'd never have.

After a few seconds pause, ey stuck out eir hand for Elder Thomas to see. There, written on eir left index finger, was the name ' _Kevin Price_ '. It was written in typewriter font, and the letters were not entirely parallel.

Elder Thomas examined the mark for a few seconds.

"I'm afraid I don't see what the problem is," he admitted.

"It's a boy's name!" Cade exclaimed, pulling on eir hair in frustration.

Realisation dawned in Elder Thomas' eyes. "Oh, I see," he said. "And you think homosexuality's a sin?"

"Or my gender is," Cade admitted. "What if I'm meant to be a girl? What if-"

"What if this 'Kevin' isn't a boy? What if they have gender issues too, did you think of that?"

Cade frowned. "No, but-"

"You said you've been feeling like this since you were as young as three. I think that means you were born this way, Cade, and Heavenly Father always knows what he is doing."

"But it's still a boy's name." Cade was chewing eir lip, looking like ey wanted to believe what ey was hearing but couldnt quite bring emself to.

"But you're not a boy, are you? You said you shifted genders. Besides, I don't believe God would have given you that name if it was a sin. He know's what's right."

Cade nodded, and they sat in silence for a few minutes, before ey stood.

"Thank you, Elder," ey said in a quiet voice.

\--

A week later, he was standing awkwardly in a group of teenagers in the entrance to the church, wondering why he had decided to come. He was just debating whether or not to leave, when Elder Thomas spotted him.

"Cade! There you are! It's great you could be here! How're you doing, are they treating you okay at the shelter?"

He smiled, and nodded. "Yeah, it's nice there."

"Good, I'm glad. Oh, my son's just over here, I'll introduce you both!" Elder Thomas gestured his son over. The boy smiled, and nodded in greeting.

"Hi! I'm Tom!" He grinned.

"...Really? Tom Thomas?"

"No, his name is Alfie," Elder Thomas frowned at his son. "I thought I told you to stop doing that?"

Alfie shrugged. "It's funny."

"Sure, whatever you say. Anyway, this is-"

"Connor," he interrupted. "My name is Connor."

Alfie grinned at him, his freckled face lighting up in a contagious way, making Connor grin too.

"It's nice to meet you, Connor! You're gonna love the choir, we do loads of great songs, and- wait, Dad, did you bring my music folder?"

Elder Thomas sighed, exasperatedly. "No, you were meant to bring it. If you run home now, you should be back just before we start."

Alfie didn't even reply, just turning, and sprinting away.

"We live just around the corner," Elder Thomas said and Connor's confused look. "So. Connor? What happened to Cade?"

Connor grinned a bit embarrassedly, and looked down. "I don't know, it just... wasn't working for me."

Elder Thomas smiled at him. “I like it. I think it suits you.”


	3. chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> v brief misgendering in this chapter. connor sets him straight, dont worry.

When their eyes first met, Kevin felt his heart drop to the bottom of his stomach. _No, it can’t be._

It was, however. The person standing before him had startlingly blue eyes and short brownish-gingery hair. An anxious smile was gracing his handsome features, and all Kevin could do was stare at him in shock and horror.

“My name is Elder McKinley,” the person said, sticking his hand out, and squaring his shoulders. Those words were the one to shock Kevin back to reality.

“Elder… Price,” he said, still in shock. He shook the hand of this stranger before him, and felt a spark shoot up his arm. The look in the Elder McKinley’s-- _no, he couldn’t think of this stranger like that_ \--eyes told him that the other Mormon had felt it too. He withdrew his hand quickly and turned to the missionaries who had just entered, introducing himself to them.

“We’re pretty tired,” he said, trying to ignore the burning on the back of his neck that told him that he was staring at him. “Could someone show us to our room?”

Next to him, Cunningham frowned. “But--”

“ _Now_ , Elder Cunningham.”

Kevin made it to his room in one piece and let out a sigh of relief. Thank God. His heart was beating way too fast, and his palms were sweating. He had no clue how he was going to get through these two years.

"Lights out is ten and we all wake up at six-thirty," Elder Church told them. "If there's ever anything you need, I'm here to help." 

He was halfway out the door when Kevin spoke up.

"Yeah, there is one thing actually…. Erm, what's Elder McKinley's first name?" Kevin asked, internally cringing at having to say those words aloud.

"Connor. Why?" Elder Church's face was quizzical and slightly bemused at the strange query.

"Oh, it's nothing, I just thought I knew him from somewhere. I must've made a mistake."

But Kevin knew that he hadn't made a mistake, and as he changed into his undergarments, he tried his hardest not to think about it.

\--

It was 4 a.m. and Kevin couldn't sleep. He would have liked to be able to blame it entirely on the fact that Cunningham wouldn't stop snoring, but he knew that would be a lie. He couldn't get the image of _his_ eyes out of his mind.

He threw off his covers with a sigh and shrugged his shirt on over his mormon undergarments, not even bothering to do up his buttons.

He trod lightly down the hallway, and froze in the doorway to the kitchen. Sitting there at the table, reading a book, was _him_.

Kevin couldn't breathe, let alone move. It took the other occupant of the room a whole minute to realise Kevin was standing there, and when he did he let out a slight surprised noise. His face flushed slightly, and Kevin had to admit he looked rather cute.

"Oh, Elder, I didn't see you there." He smiled anxiously at him again, and Kevin frowned.

"Why are you awake?" he asked.

"I don't sleep well. Ever, really. The joys of nightly nightmares, I suppose," he said with a shrug. Kevin frowned again at that, but said nothing. "Why are you awake though?"

"Couldn't sleep," Kevin said, shortly. He was still hovering in the doorway, not sure whether to make a run for it or not when Elder McKin-- _he_ spoke up.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Kevin inhaled sharply, and tried to sound nonchalant as he replied, failing spectacularly. "Actually, um, well, I'm tired, so I'm just gonna go back to-"

" _Please_." His voice was desperate and pleading, but also determined and certain. Kevin felt something inside him contort, and found himself unable to say no. Wordlessly, he slid into the chair opposite from where he was sitting.

The other elder took a deep breath. "I know you're freaking out. That's understandable. I mean, I'm not exactly what you were expecting. But--well, I thought I should explain it all to you so you understand? Is that--um, is that okay?"

Kevin could only nod, and the mormon opposite him relaxed slightly.

"I'm transgender- genderfluid to be exact. I was born into a 'female' body, and my parents named me Caley. When I was eighteen I changed it to Connor. I've been taking testosterone for over a year and a half now, which is why I have a deeper voice."

There was a moment of silence as Kevin digested this.

"So, you really are her?" he asked quietly.

"No," Elder McKinley snapped sharply. "I'm not _her_. I'm not a girl. I may have days where I wear dresses and prefer feminine pronouns but I am not a girl. Never. I am the person whose name you have on your body, though, yes."

Kevin digested that for a second. "But you're not a boy, either?"

"I usually present more masculine, and I'm usually fine with masculine pronouns. I wouldn't call myself male, though. I'm genderfluid. Nonbinary. Neither male or female. Never have been, probably never will be."

"Great. Thanks for telling me. Anything else I should know?" Kevin wasn't sure whether or not he was being sarcastic. He figured he had the right to be a bit snappy, though.

"Erm... I don't know? I got diagnosed with autism when I was thirteen? I don't know whether that matters to you or not. I… have some papers on what that means if you’d like to read them?”

Kevin just nodded wordlessly, before standing up and heading back to his room. 

 

 


	4. chapter 2

The next morning, Kevin was woken up by Elder Cunningham repeatedly hitting him on the head with his pillow.

"Nnnggh," he groaned and rolling over, trying to avoid having to wake up completely and face the day ahead.

"Wake up, Elder Price, wake up! It's twenty to seven, everyone else is already up! C'mon buddy!"

Kevin groaned again, and swatted at the pillow that was currently disturbing his sleep.

"Wake up Elder, you have mail!"

That caught Kevin's attention.

"Huh?" He said, very eloquently, lifting his head and squinting at the bright lights.

"Yeah, this was slid under the door, I found it when I woke up! It has your name on it," Elder Cunningham handed him an envelope that did indeed have "Kevin Price" written on it.

Now he was sitting up, Cunningham seemed satisfied. Kevin could hear him humming the tune to what he guessed was Star Wars as he grabbed a towel that had been lent to him by Elder Michaels and headed off to the bathroom.

Kevin opened the envelope. Inside were the papers on ASD that Elder McKinley- (not Connor. Not yet.)- had promised him the night before. At the top it said "Autism Traits In Female Youths", except Elder McKinley had scribbled over female and written in "Genderfluid, Transmasculine".

Kevin drew in a shuddery breath. All of this was starting to become very real to him. He had met his soulmate, the person who was supposed to complete him, but it was all wrong. He was supposed to meet a nice mormon girl, who he would have three children, a cat, and a dog with. She was supposed to have beautiful long hair, and lovely eyes, and a tentative smile. He was supposed to ask her on a date, and she would have accepted, and they would have gone to a nice restaurant, then he would have driven her home and kissed her goodbye. It was supposed to be perfect.

Kevin was beginning to realise he wouldn't have that. He wasn't getting what he had spent the last nineteen years dreaming about.

He quickly folded the papers and shoved them under his pillow as Cunningham reentered the room.

He dressed on autopilot, the actions mechanical with no real thought to them. Cunningham sat on his bed, still humming, twiddling his fingers. He seemed happy, and he didn't ask what was in the envelope, a fact for which Kevin was very grateful.

When they entered the kitchen area, everyone was buzzing around, having already eaten.

The building wasn't very big. It was a bungalow, and most of the space was taken up by bedrooms. The kitchen and dining area opened onto the living area, where there was a sofa, a blackboard, and a bookshelf with both books and boardgames stacked there. From his position in the entrance from the hallway, Kevin could see three of the missionaries deeply involved in a game of monopoly that was taking up most of the space on the coffee table. The game had been there yesterday when Kevin had arrived as well.

"Ah, you're up! I've saved you poptarts!" Elder Thomas was beaming at them from next to the toaster, waving two packets of poptarts at Kevin and Cunningham.

"Aw, awesome!" Cunningham enthused, bouncing over to where Elder Thomas was standing.

"Wait, how come they get poptarts?" Elder Neely said, frowning.

"They're new," Elder Thomas replied with a shrug.

"Um," was all Kevin could manage.

"We have a poptart rota," Elder McKinley explained, appearing at Kevin's shoulder. At the sound of his voice, Kevin jumped. "Two different pairs get them every morning. Well, Elder Thomas and I always get them, but that's because we brought three suitcases worth of them over from the US."

Cunningham blinked. "Three. Suitcases?"

"Yup," Elder Thomas said, nodding solemnly. "Getting through customs was a nightmare."

"That's an understatement," Elder McKinley said, pushing past Kevin to get into the kitchen. As soon as Elder McKinley's back was to him, Kevin drew in a deep breath.

There, tattooed on the back of Elder McKinley's neck, was a star. Just like the star dotting the i on Kevin's soulmark.

That was when he fainted.

\--

When Kevin came to, he was lying on the sofa with his head on a cushion. His eyes fluttered open, and he heard at least three sighs of relief.

"Oh thank goodness, you're awake!" Elder Cunningham was perched on the arm of the sofa by Kevin's feet, his eyes swimming with tears. "I was so worried!"

"I can see," Kevin croaked, heaving himself onto his elbows. A cold flannel fell off his forehead. There were people surrounding him, Elder's Thomas, Davies, and McKinley all sitting on the coffee table.

Elder McKinley looked terrible. He was extremely pale- paler than usual, that is- and was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. He seemed to be struggling to take breaths, and his hands were shaking.

Someone shoved a glass of water into Kevin's grasp.

"Drink," Elder Davies said firmly. Kevin took a long sip though the straw before frowning slightly.

"They have straws in Uganda?" He asked.

"They do, but Elder McKinley and I brought those over," Elder Thomas said. "Elder McKinley can't drink without a straw."

Ah. That would be an Autism thing, probably. Possibly? Kevin wasn't sure.

"Are you okay?" Elder McKinley asked in a quiet voice.

"Yeah, it was probably just the heat," Kevin lied, avoiding Elder McKinley's eyes. He took another slurp of water at the pointed look Elder Davies gave him.

"Well, I think you should rest for the morning. You and Elder Cunningham can go to the village this afternoon, instead of this morning. You need to drink a lot of water, and try and stay in the shade." Kevin nodded at Elder Neely's words, too tired to argue.

There was a pause, which Kevin filled by taking another sip of water.

Elder Thomas then turned to Elder McKinley.

"Connor," he said sternly.

"In a minute," Elder McKinley said exasperatedly.

" _Connor_ ," Elder Thomas said again, frowning. Elder McKinley glared back, and they seemed to be having a silent conversation.

"Fine," Elder McKinley said irritably. "I'm going."

He stood up, dusted himself off, and headed towards the bedrooms. Kevin watched him go.

"What was that about?" He asked.

"He half collapsed at the same time you did," Elder Cunningham said. "He wouldn't go to his room to rest until we knew that you were okay."

"Oh," Kevin wasn't sure what to say to that, so he decided on nothing.

 


	5. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emetophobia trigger warning for this chapter. kevin throws up at the end.

Elder Cunningham finally relented to letting Kevin leave for the village at seven in the evening.

"C'mon, Elder Cunningham, I feel fine! Besides, they saw us arrive yesterday! If we don't go today, they'll think we're sloppy! Or lazy!" Kevin pulled out his best puppy dog eyes, silently begging Cunningham to let him leave the building.

The other mormon mulled it over slightly, before relenting.

"Alright," he agreed finally. "If we take a rest while walking to the village."

"Fine, of course, whatever you say!" Kevin said, delighted to be able to get out and begin his mission.

The building they were staying in was five minutes away from the village. It took Kevin and Cunningham over fifteen minutes to get there, as Cunningham insisted they pause every few feet so that Kevin didn't overwork himself in his "fragile state".

By the time they got to the village, Kevin was thoroughly annoyed with Cunningham. His exasperation at everything that had been happening, with being sent to Africa, and Elder McKinley, was starting to show, and he barely resisted snapping at the well meaning mormon that was blabbering at his side about the most recent hobbit movie.

After the incident with the steak knives, Kevin was about to lecture Cunningham, when he was interrupted by the arrival of General Butt Fucking Naked. It was after he saw that man shot right in front of him, however, that Kevin lost it completely.

\--

After storming out of the missionary's building and yelling at Cunningham, Kevin wasn't sure where to go. He circling back round to the building, and climbing a tree, before swinging onto the roof. He sat there for hours, trying not to think about Cunningham's face when he said he had been stuck with him. And _really_ tried not to think about how when he had grabbed Elder McKinley he didn't want to let go, or how Elder McKinley had leant in.

He snuck into his and Cunningham's shared room shortly after one AM. He packed his few possessions that hadn't been stolen in a plastic bag that Elder Church had leant him, and laid his passport on top. Thankfully, all their most important possessions had been in Cunningham's backpack, not their suitcases.

When Kevin finally slipped into bed, he fell asleep instantly.

\--

When Kevin woke up the next morning, his room was empty. He changed into his clothes, and walked to the kitchen area. The few mormon's sitting playing monopoly or reading nodded at him in welcome but didn't speak. On the countertop was a packet of poptarts with a post it note with "Kevin Price" written on it.

The bus came by every day at two o'clock, so Kevin went back to his room to wait.

At twenty to two, he set off for the bus stop, which was located halfway between the village and the missionary house.

Every step that he took, his body seemed to become heavier, and there was an ache growing in his heart. By the time he was almost there, he was sweating and shivering, struggling to breathe, and trying not to think about the sharp, burning pain in his heart. It felt like his soulmark was on fire, and there was a sharp pain between his eyes. Every inch of his body hurt. He finally reached the bus stop, clutching the metal pole and retching. The world spun as Kevin vomited on the side of the road.

For the second time in two days, everything went black as he fainted.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!!  
> its coming up to a year since i last updated this fanfiction and i havent slept in coming up to 24 hours (38 is my record, lets see how this goes) so i thought i'd add a chapter to this. bc why the heck not

Connor and Alfie were sat in their joint room playing cards. After the third time Alfie made a terrible pun and Connor didn't smile, he sighed.

"C'mon Con, just talk to him if it's bugging you so much," he sighed.

"I can't. He doesn't want to be talked to. He's leaving."

"Well, he's your soulmate, right? God must've put you together for a reason. Maybe if he goes away now, he'll mature over the next two years, and you'll bump into each other in America, and you'll both live happily ever after. Or something. God knows what he's doing." Alfie smiled at Connor, who smiled back, albeit a bit sadly.

"But what if I'm wrong? What if I was meant to be a girl?" An ache started growing in Connor's heart. He tried to ignore it, wincing slightly, but continuing talking. "What if God got it right but I got it wrong? But I'm wrong? What if-"

"You don't actually believe that, do you?" Alfie interrupted. "Please tell me you don't believe that. Connor, God made you like this, because he knew you could handle it, and because it makes you special. All good things come with a price. You're amazing, and so much more interesting than other people. I'm honoured to call myself your friend, and- do you feel okay?"

Connor was getting paler and paler by the second, and was struggling to breathe. He rose to his feet, his face contorting in pain.

"I'm- I'm gonna go get a drink," he said, walking towards the door, trying not to fall over despite the the way his head was spinning. He had almost reached the door when he collapsed, barely catching himself on the door handle.

"Connor!" Alfie hurried over, and put a supporting arm around him.

"Kevin," Connor gasped; the world still spinning and bright lights flashing everywhere. "We need to find Kevin."

The world was coming slightly back into focus, so he pulled open the door and staggered down the hallway to the main living area.

"Elder Price," he gasped. "Has anybody seen Elder Price?"

There must have been something in his expression that told them how urgent it was, because all three Elder's in the room jumped straight to their feet. One of them rushed passed him, but Connor's vision was still too blurred to see who it was. He could hear the other Elder's chattering anxiously around him, but he couldn't make out any words. He braced himself on the kitchen counter and shut his eyes, trying to block out the bright lights. He felt a hand on his shoulder, but didn't look to see who it was.

"Connor?" Alfie said gently. "Are you okay?"

"We need to get to Kevin," he choked out. It was the only thought in his mind, the only thing he could think.

"He's not in his room!" Elder Church came rushing back in, looking worried. "Do you think he went to the village?"

"I didn't see him leave with Elder Cunningham!"

"Well maybe he left earlier or-"

The voices were all blurring together, the pain growing in Connor's head.

"Why don't we go and look," he snapped. The others agreed quickly and they all rushed to the door, chattering anxiously.

Every step towards the village that Connor took made him feel a bit better, making him certain he was heading in the right direction. By the time they saw Kevin lying on the ground by the bus stop sign, he was almost feeling back to normal, but that didn't stop his stomach clenching in fear. He ran forwards, trying to stop his hands flapping and struggling to breathe, and leant down to check Kevin's pulse.

"He's alive," he gasped, feeling his eyes fill with tears of relief. "He's fine, he's alive, he's alive, he's alive-"

Connor felt Alfie's arms wrap around him, just before he collapsed to the floor in relief. Holding him tightly to his chest and creating a safe bubble of pressure for him, Alfie rubbed a soothing hand down Connor's back. Connor hadn't even realised he was shaking. They remained that way for few minutes, ignoring the stares the other elders were undoubtedly giving them.

When Connor's teeth had stopped chattering from his shaking, Alfie pulled back, keeping his hands on Connor's arms.

"Are you okay now?" He asked sincerely, looking into Connor's eyes for any sign of distress.

"Better," Connor said in a quiet voice, avoiding his gaze.

A groan came from below them, and they all whirled around.

"How come none of you helped him up?" Connor snapped, agitated again.

"How come _you_ didn't?" Elder Michaels muttered back reproachfully.

"Because I was on the verge of a shut down," Connor stated, bluntly. "You know I have autism. Situations like this can be stressful."

Elder Michaels did have the decency to look slightly ashamed at that. As Kevin groaned again, however they all turned to look at him. Connor scrubbed at his eyes and tried to look as if nothing had happened to him at all.

"I think he's coming to! C'mon Elder Price, wake up buddy!"

Elder Price woke up then, scrambling to his feet when he realised he was on the floor. Conner felt relief rush through him, and tried to focus on what was being said. There was a buzzing in his ear that was only getting louder, and he tried to tune it out.

"- and I've got to stay here, and I've got to stick to my work."

Connor had a sudden thought. "Oh, you had a hell dream, didn't you?" He could see Kevin staring at him like he was from another planet, but as he heard the murmurs of understanding from around him, he knew his words had had the desired effect. "Was I in it?"

Okay, maybe that was overkill slightly. It seemed in character enough for none of his fellow elders to question it, but the look Kevin was giving him at that moment didn't seem positive. Connor wasn't very good at reading expressions. He'd have to ask Alfie later what emotion he thought Kevin's face was portraying exactly.

At that moment, Elder Cunningham arrived, humming a tune that Connor hadn't heard before and looking jollier than usual. And for Elder Cunningham, that was saying something, as the mormon missionary seemed to have endless amounts of energy and enthusiasm.

A nice distraction was provided by Elder Cunningham in the form of ten eager africans, willing to listen to the church. He could feel Kevin’s eyes on the back of his neck, but instead of finding comfort in it like he had once imagined he would, the feeling filled him with icy coldness.

Kevin had tried to leave. Kevin didn’t want him as his soulmate. Kevin probably thought he was a freak.

The worst thing, however, was as much as Connor wanted to, he couldn’t blame him.

 

 


End file.
